Marriage And Aspergers: Supporting Your Spouse And Yourself

I messaged him tonight and said, “I may have overreacted yesterday about the love thing. I think I understand where you’re coming from now and you’re right. Even though you don’t think it’s anything special, it is what I wanted to hear and I still do. And I appreciate that you recognized that.” I think I may be able to make this work, because I do love him and I think he’s an amazing person. There are some aspects of the spectrum that I think he is pretty mild on. I think he maintains eye contact pretty well and he is super affectionate mostly when we’re alone.

This is important in any relationship, but it is especially important when dating someone with Asperger’s. Make sure to let your partner know how you are feeling and ask them about their thoughts and feelings as well. Doing so will show them that you’re interested in the things they love and care about.

If you hang around the right people, you’ll find someone who has enough common sense to know a good thing upon seeing it. Sensitive and intellectual people would love an aspie. From my limited experience with bi polar people, I think they’ll understand an aspie better. Manic depressive people tend to be intelligent and sensitive. Those who can’t accept you aren’t worth your time and trouble anyway.

I’d also say your point about psychopath/sociopath-esque people presenting as AS to get at a goal is a good one, because superficially it is easy to pretend to have AS qualities. I agree with both the intent (i.e. pointing out that like anything AS has both positives and negatives, but the positives aren’t often talked about) and the generalizations you’ve made are right IMO. Kissing, sex, that should be in there too, and if you are the high desire sexual partner, it is your job to set the place and time…but give him a heads up to get his mind around it. For example, I work long hours and earn as much as he does. But he still depends on me to cook, shop, clean, and go out of my way to spend all my money on flights to take him away for holidays. To me, he is an intellectually engaging, kind hearted person but his behavior is off the chart difficult to understand for a NT like me.

There is a big difference in how adults with ADHD use language compared to adults with Asperger’s. They do not tend to have specific weaknesses in their understanding and use of language. They readily understand when a statement such as, “it’s raining cats and dogs” is being used as a figure of speak and not as a literal statement. They also speak with a normal tone of voice and inflection. A diagnosis is most assured when the signs of Asperger’s are present in the person all the time, they have an obvious effect on the person’s ability to be successful in life, and don’t vary much.

Adult Asperger’s Syndrome: The Essential Guide

We’d argue a lot because he couldn’t understand that doing something that hurt me got worse each time he did it – he wanted everything to be treated on its own in a vacuum. I tried everything to try to help him understand what I wanted from the relationship, making what I wanted as clear as possible, but he couldn’t (or wouldn’t?) do it. I didn’t find out what the real problem was until months after we’d split, and it decimated my self-esteem. Tony Attwood explains in his book “Asperger Syndrome” that an adult with AS / Hfa typically exhibits overwhelming skills in wooing in the infatuation period. I’m not saying he isn’t an arsehole because he is! He has lots of issues about his past as he was over weight as a child and was called fat and ugly.

He didn’t seem to have thought about what it must be like to not be able to tell what’s real and what isn’t. Someone like that probably won’t have the patience to deal with you. Harmful situations which result from their inability to read social cues. These may include bullying, ridicule, exploitation, date rape, or worse. Not knowing that any given set of social rules may not apply universally, and that sociosexual rules, expectations and behavior may be different depending on individual, location, social group, etc. May I suggest that you look further into AS- it is quite complex.

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When my older siblings became teens, he no longer played with us. He spent a lot of time in his bedroom, only emerging to share is passions-either love for the scriptures, or anger at us for disturbing or disrespecting in some way. My mother lies quite often and she takes advantage of my father because he has no idea that she has been dishonest. She criticizes him frequently, and he just believes her. One time she bought so much stuff at the club warehouse that there was no room for my father in the car and he just accepted that he would take the bus home . The only social situations he felt comfortable with were related to church.

If I solve the problem, they won’t be upset any more. But I suppose solution-focused is task-focused. I think that the NT mindset is that communication is to reinforce social bonds. You will never find me talking about other people. So, whenever I do so, trust me, I have a list of very good reasons to do it.

Suddenly, they began to take everything personally. You were living your life as usual, but your partner began feeling like your independent actions had something to do with them. You felt like you couldn’t go to work or fix a meal or watch a television show without your partner feeling like it was some sinister personal attack with some unspoken motive. You felt like your partner was sabotaging and gaslighting you, embarrassing you on purpose in front of your friends and family. They found the smallest ways to ruin things for you, like wearing the wrong clothes to a semi-formal occasion or spending an anniversary playing video games.

Sex on the Spectrum

Aspies, like any other person, have their own set of interests and hobbies. You should be able to tell if they include you in those hobbies or not. Individuals with AS can, however, learn effective communication and social skills as part of a support group that will help them better interact with their NT partners. One of the most difficult issues for someone with Asperger’s to deal with in a relationship is a lack of empathy. An emotional disconnect in a relationship can cause significant damage over time. Couples also face a variety of other challenges, including behavioral issues and parental styles that differ.

Asperger’s syndrome doesn’t need to be “cured,” but understanding and support can help you live in a world designed for nonautistic people. For example, if you’re feeling emotional and it seems like your partner doesn’t seem to care, it may be because they don’t realize you’re upset. Understanding these differences and how they can impact your marriage can make it easier to navigate and even improve your relationship as the spouse of an autistic person.

“Our son’s behaviors and diagnosis are what quickly led me to believe my husband also had Asperger’s,” she says. Dating someone with Asperger’s can present an additional challenge in the relationship, but you can learn how to understand each other and connect. The video webinar below explains the problems experienced in Aspergian relationships and the solutions with Asperger’s therapist Alina Kislenko. When you are done writing, talk about what is on the lists. Each partner can try out some of the behaviors the other would like them to do. Be patient and keep coming back to this exercise if possible weekly.

It may be hard for me to put myself in your shoes, if I’ve never experienced anything like what you’re going through. I’ve never been one of several wives, for example. But it’s possible if you talk to me about that experience.

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